I don't think brook has ever known best
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
