The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
