the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
