fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
