i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
