He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
