he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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