fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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