If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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