saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
