Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
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