You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
