You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
