I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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