Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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