Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
