god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
