Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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