I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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