i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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