Moan for me like Helen Keller
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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