Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
