PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
