I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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