Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
