She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
