When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize