I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
