1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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