____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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