i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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