my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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