lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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