I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
