OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
