just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
