I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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