Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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