o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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