Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
