ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
