Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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