i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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