It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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