It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
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