There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
