dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Your cock deserves a montage
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
is it fun? or sober?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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