Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
