the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
