is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
smell my finger.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
