having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
